Pregnancy After Miscarriage, The Beginning

As I sat in the waiting office at my OB's, I felt like one lone woman.  Surrounded by pregnant women, my desires to have another only saddened me.  This appointment was to discuss my fertility options.  Its hard having such little control over something and wondering what my wanting was creating in the universe.  If I willed this, would I be punished?  How can a person will it, though?  I worried about trying.  I worried about not trying.  I worried about my age, my marriage and my daughter.

I am scheduled for x-rays and I don't want to take any chances, so I asked my doctor to take a blood pregnancy test. I dared to wonder in the back of my mind if it could be possibly true.  The inclination that I was pregnant was there, but I chose not to pay attention to it because I had been wrong before.  There was no way I would let myself believe it this time.  So I put it out of my mind.

Until, the phone call that next day.  The doctor's office has my cell phone and I had absent mindedly let the battery die that morning.  I soon realized it and plugged it in and noticed a message.  My heart started to pound and for some reason a flash came to me and I knew it was the doctor's office.  Why would they call?  Could it be?  I hadn't thought a thing about the test until now.  Of course the next 5 minutes I spent trying to get my phone to work was agony.  My heart raced as I listened to the message.  "Its your doctor's office, please call us back."  Why else, what else....... work stupid phone!!!

"Well, you're definitely pregnant," stated the woman on the other end.  I couldn't put my head around those words.  Why did she sound so non-nonchalant?  Did she not know what this meant?  She went on some more.  "Wait," I said.  "Did you say I am pregnant?"  "Yes."  The rush of emotion is indescribable.  I felt joy, I felt relief, I felt terrified, I felt old, I felt scared, I felt lonely and finally made it back around to a feeling of happy.  I had achieved my goal, well the first of many goals on this kind of journey.  I had been on this roller coaster ride before and I was not sure I could take another turn.

To be continued.........

Nicole