Pregnancy After Miscarriage, the Numbers

After the big news and the initial state of joy, it was hard to be happy.  A feeling of helplessness took over as I knew there was not much I could do to "make this work."  Prior to becoming pregnant, my doctor had started me on a medication that was meant to keep my blood sugars in check even though I did not have diabetes.  I was to continue this medication through week 14.  This made me very nervous.  I am not one to take medications especially while pregnant and this being a fairly new drug I was even more nervous about the effects on the fetus.  But when someone tells you they are doing what they think we need to do to maintain this pregnancy, its hard not to follow.  So I did.

Numbers, numbers, numbers...... First the worry about the HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin) numbers.  With my last miscarriage my HCG numbers did not double the first time around.  They are suppose to double every 48-72 hours.  I remember that phone call vividly and although they didn't double, the numbers increased some and so there was no definite answer.  That  was the beginning of a terrifying roller coaster ride. This time, however,  the numbers more than doubled!!  Yeah!  Time to celebrate?  Absolutely not.  I was not about to let my guard down.  My prior experiences were holding me back from any good feelings this news should have brought.  

At that time my doctor began me on progesterone supplements because of my history.  Again, tons of research on this supplement with no answers.  Some doctors believe it can help, most doctors believe it can't hurt and some doctors believe that it won't help and if a miscarriage is going to happen it is going to happen.  I found almost zero information that it could hurt, so why wouldn't I try?  I even have friends who took it and had beautiful, healthy babies.  I began my supplements.

Another day, another blood test, another phone call with more results.  My HCG more than doubled again.  Yeah! again and this time I experienced a minute of delight.  My progesterone as well was OK, but not great.  

I was scheduled for my first ultrasound.  Laying on the table waiting for it to begin, I couldn't breath.  I was fighting tears and losing.  I just couldn't bear this and remember feeling like I was going to explode.  As she was looking for this tiny little fetus, my heart began to sink as in my mind, the 5 seconds she was taking was too long and could only mean one thing.  But, there it was!  A little tiny heartbeat!!  I was beside myself.  The adrenaline that had been pumping through my body had now exhausted me.  I was elated and completely spent.  Of course, I couldn't let my elation last because I once again thought back to my last miscarriage where I had saw that tiny heartbeat too.

Another day, another blood test, another phone call with results.  My progesterone had gone down.  Sinking.  I was reassured it was still at an OK level, but to increase the supplements.  

Another day, another blood test, ..... this phone call revealed an increase in progesterone level.  I was glad, but so tired of playing the numbers game.  

One more time, another day, another blood test...... again my progesterone was fine.  At this point I was on the highest dose of progesterone and was disinterested in the continued numbers game.  I couldn't keep up with the testing and the waiting game of results, so I just stopped.  I had a feeling things were good, but I never once let that give me any peace.

To be continued........

Nicole

Pregnancy After Miscarriage, The Beginning

As I sat in the waiting office at my OB's, I felt like one lone woman.  Surrounded by pregnant women, my desires to have another only saddened me.  This appointment was to discuss my fertility options.  Its hard having such little control over something and wondering what my wanting was creating in the universe.  If I willed this, would I be punished?  How can a person will it, though?  I worried about trying.  I worried about not trying.  I worried about my age, my marriage and my daughter.

I am scheduled for x-rays and I don't want to take any chances, so I asked my doctor to take a blood pregnancy test. I dared to wonder in the back of my mind if it could be possibly true.  The inclination that I was pregnant was there, but I chose not to pay attention to it because I had been wrong before.  There was no way I would let myself believe it this time.  So I put it out of my mind.

Until, the phone call that next day.  The doctor's office has my cell phone and I had absent mindedly let the battery die that morning.  I soon realized it and plugged it in and noticed a message.  My heart started to pound and for some reason a flash came to me and I knew it was the doctor's office.  Why would they call?  Could it be?  I hadn't thought a thing about the test until now.  Of course the next 5 minutes I spent trying to get my phone to work was agony.  My heart raced as I listened to the message.  "Its your doctor's office, please call us back."  Why else, what else....... work stupid phone!!!

"Well, you're definitely pregnant," stated the woman on the other end.  I couldn't put my head around those words.  Why did she sound so non-nonchalant?  Did she not know what this meant?  She went on some more.  "Wait," I said.  "Did you say I am pregnant?"  "Yes."  The rush of emotion is indescribable.  I felt joy, I felt relief, I felt terrified, I felt old, I felt scared, I felt lonely and finally made it back around to a feeling of happy.  I had achieved my goal, well the first of many goals on this kind of journey.  I had been on this roller coaster ride before and I was not sure I could take another turn.

To be continued.........

Nicole