Pregnancy After Miscarriage, the Numbers

After the big news and the initial state of joy, it was hard to be happy.  A feeling of helplessness took over as I knew there was not much I could do to "make this work."  Prior to becoming pregnant, my doctor had started me on a medication that was meant to keep my blood sugars in check even though I did not have diabetes.  I was to continue this medication through week 14.  This made me very nervous.  I am not one to take medications especially while pregnant and this being a fairly new drug I was even more nervous about the effects on the fetus.  But when someone tells you they are doing what they think we need to do to maintain this pregnancy, its hard not to follow.  So I did.

Numbers, numbers, numbers...... First the worry about the HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin) numbers.  With my last miscarriage my HCG numbers did not double the first time around.  They are suppose to double every 48-72 hours.  I remember that phone call vividly and although they didn't double, the numbers increased some and so there was no definite answer.  That  was the beginning of a terrifying roller coaster ride. This time, however,  the numbers more than doubled!!  Yeah!  Time to celebrate?  Absolutely not.  I was not about to let my guard down.  My prior experiences were holding me back from any good feelings this news should have brought.  

At that time my doctor began me on progesterone supplements because of my history.  Again, tons of research on this supplement with no answers.  Some doctors believe it can help, most doctors believe it can't hurt and some doctors believe that it won't help and if a miscarriage is going to happen it is going to happen.  I found almost zero information that it could hurt, so why wouldn't I try?  I even have friends who took it and had beautiful, healthy babies.  I began my supplements.

Another day, another blood test, another phone call with more results.  My HCG more than doubled again.  Yeah! again and this time I experienced a minute of delight.  My progesterone as well was OK, but not great.  

I was scheduled for my first ultrasound.  Laying on the table waiting for it to begin, I couldn't breath.  I was fighting tears and losing.  I just couldn't bear this and remember feeling like I was going to explode.  As she was looking for this tiny little fetus, my heart began to sink as in my mind, the 5 seconds she was taking was too long and could only mean one thing.  But, there it was!  A little tiny heartbeat!!  I was beside myself.  The adrenaline that had been pumping through my body had now exhausted me.  I was elated and completely spent.  Of course, I couldn't let my elation last because I once again thought back to my last miscarriage where I had saw that tiny heartbeat too.

Another day, another blood test, another phone call with results.  My progesterone had gone down.  Sinking.  I was reassured it was still at an OK level, but to increase the supplements.  

Another day, another blood test, ..... this phone call revealed an increase in progesterone level.  I was glad, but so tired of playing the numbers game.  

One more time, another day, another blood test...... again my progesterone was fine.  At this point I was on the highest dose of progesterone and was disinterested in the continued numbers game.  I couldn't keep up with the testing and the waiting game of results, so I just stopped.  I had a feeling things were good, but I never once let that give me any peace.

To be continued........

Nicole